3% human
97% stress
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Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.