Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
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At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
My birthstone is kidney
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”