me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
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WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
welcome back
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
Delightful if true: booby trap.
nice challenge