If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
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customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
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Morningbreath
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I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.