In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
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Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
I’m just playing devils avocado here
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.