just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
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The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.