Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
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A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
What a website
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol