What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
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How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?