I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
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Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
Venn
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.