(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
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I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
no refunds
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.