Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
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[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
This squirrel eats better than I do
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
Donkey Kong sommelier
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs