*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
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I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.