A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
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Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car