I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
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GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
#Caturday
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
huge if true: the moon
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him