Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
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ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.