*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
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We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.