Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
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[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.