Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
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ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Seems legit