sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
You Might Also Like
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite