11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
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Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
meow
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.