*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
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Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.