*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
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My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
is this store having a stroke wtf
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
No laws when master is gone
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??