‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
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I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
🤣🤣🤣
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.