Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
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I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.