Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
You Might Also Like
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?