him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
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My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
Time heals everything 🙂
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]