What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
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ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
when someone compliments me
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce