Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
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Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.