if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
You Might Also Like
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.