account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
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How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
fourth time’s the charm
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no