So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
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they finally got him. they got macavity
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.