Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
You Might Also Like
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
March 16
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*