2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
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[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
I finally found a reason to live again.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.