[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
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Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*