There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
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*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.