Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
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no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Never go to sleep after making me angry
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile