Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
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I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
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My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.