Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
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I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No