Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
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I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes