if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
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I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
Well, this explains it:
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going