Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
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[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*