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All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?