I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
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Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.