My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
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Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
Basically.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.