Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
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Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
A roof is a house hat.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*