Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
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me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
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