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The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango