[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
You Might Also Like
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.