hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
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Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
Sometimes? I’m slipping
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.