It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
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If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.